


is it cool that i said all that?

by hedahearteyes



Category: Supergirl (TV 2015)
Genre: F/F, is it a 5x13 fix-it fic? i guess because we're ignoring the actual end, kara realizes some important stuff and then finally goes to lena to #talk, mentions of Mxyzptlk, that didn't happen this happened, they're in love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-07
Updated: 2020-03-07
Packaged: 2021-02-28 18:47:12
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,834
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23051926
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/hedahearteyes/pseuds/hedahearteyes
Summary: "What do you want, Supergirl?" / "You."orAfter Mxyzptlk's surprise visit, Kara realizes some things about herself and does what she should have done months ago: she goes to Lena to talk.
Relationships: Kara Danvers & Lena Luthor, Kara Danvers/Lena Luthor
Comments: 26
Kudos: 648





	is it cool that i said all that?

**Author's Note:**

> I started writing this before the 100th episode aired and then I got a case of writer's block and then I went back and forth a couple times until I finally just finished it today. But because I started writing it before the 100th, Lena isn't enjoying tea in her comfy sweater, which I admit is a crime on my part and I take full responsibility.
> 
> Watch me reference two movies in one sentence in this one. Free cookies for everyone who notices.

The sky is darkened with an oncoming storm. Kara feels the static in the air, the restless energy in the clouds rivalling her own. She stares down at National City, buildings lit up as far as she can see. She still recognizes the subtle differences from _before_ , but she tries to ignore them and instead feel thankful for the second chance this Earth got. It’s easier now, after everything that happened tonight, after everything she had seen and learned. It’s easier to really, _truly_ appreciate what it means to get a second chance.

Kara’s heart thumps heavily inside her chest. It hasn’t stopped since Mxyzptlk showed up earlier that evening. Her breaths come heavy, even though she hasn’t been in a fight, didn’t fly as fast as her powers will let her. She hasn’t really moved for minutes. She’s just been hovering in the air, hair billowing in the wind. But her mind is racing, and her body is tingling all over and her heart… Her _heart_.

She’s outside Lena’s apartment building, watches from a distance as she types away on her computer; still in her suit, still in her heels, her hair loose and falling in curls around her shoulders seemingly the only comfort she allowed herself. Kara’s heart thump, thump, thumps on.

She watches Lena, but she doesn’t really see Lena. Not the one that’s right in front of her anyway, because she doesn’t really recognize that Lena. Instead she sees the woman she met three and a half years ago. The woman who stood tall even underneath Kal-El’s misplaced scrutiny, the woman who smiled through countless accusations based solely on her last name, the woman who fought tooth and nail to prove to the world that she was more than that. More than a name.

She watches Lena, but she doesn’t really see her, because playing on a loop in Kara’s mind is every single moment she ever shared with Lena Luthor. Now colored in a different light because of one Mr. Mxyzptlk and a bunch of damned tapes.

Tonight, she had received a play-by-play of some of the most pivotal moments in her life and her relationship with Lena. Watching herself on an old television set like some weird autobiographical movie. Except there were no actors and no obviously fake sets, it was just her and Lena and she sat mesmerized, growing more breathless by the minute, as she watched their every encounter; every moment spent in Lena’s office or Kara’s apartment, every lunch, every interview, every movie night, every hug, every look.

Kara knew those moments; they were her memories after all. She would often replay them in her own head, especially the past few months, but she had, obviously, never seen herself or the look on her face whenever she was in Lena’s presence. Until tonight.

She watched herself soften every time Lena entered a room; watched herself get caught up in Lena’s eyes, the contour of her face, the slope of her lips; watched herself go out of her way to provide Lena with comfort.

_“What are friends for?”_

Years. For years that’s what Kara told herself, that’s how Kara made sense of the rapid beating of her heart. But tonight, she saw something that made her heart stop in her chest. _Love_.

She looked at Lena with love. She looked at Lena the way her parents looked at each other, the way Kal looks at Lois, the way Alex looks at Kelly. She had _always_ looked at Lena with awe and reverence and pride and _love_.

And Lena. Lena looked at her as if she was the sun. Lena looked at Kara Danvers as if she was the beginning and the end of everything. And suddenly it all made sense. The way Lena reacted to finding out from anyone other than Kara that she’s been lying their entire friendship. The pain, the anguish. The reason Kara refuses to give up on Lena.

She loves Lena and Lena loves – _loved_ – her.

So as Kara watches Lena she sees the woman she fell in love with. She sees the woman who filled her office with flowers as a thank you. She sees the woman who bought a company, saving it because Kara loved it. She sees the woman who always makes time to have lunch with her. And Kara’s heart picks up its pace again, beating so fast she can feel it pressing against her ribcage. Something flutters in her stomach, unrestrained and _innocent_. And then the feeling dies, her heart feels heavy, because that woman is a far cry from the lost thing that won’t even unwind in her own home. 

The Lena she loves is a far cry from the woman Kara turned her into.

But that’s why she’s here. Hovering outside Lena’s apartment, watching her. She wants to fix what she broke, and to that end she has been in this same position several times before. Humble, remorseful, her heart on her sleeve and ready to do whatever it takes to make amends. But Lena turned her away every time, her head held high and looking down on Kara with hard, cold eyes. And every time, Kara left.

She’s not exactly sure why. She tells herself it’s because she didn’t want to go against Lena’s wishes ever again, ignores that deep down she knows it’s because she could never quite find the right words to say. But she’s here now. Different. This time she knows the words.

This time she lands on Lena’s balcony as softly as she can but with a conviction that she hasn’t felt in a long time. And she knows Lena has caught sight of her by the way her shoulders tense, posture going rigid in the middle of her living room.

Lena doesn’t even spare her a glance; she simply turns her back towards the window and Kara hears her saying “go away” through the glass. But Kara doesn’t leave this time, she holds her ground.

She patiently waits for Lena to turn around again, to check if she’s still there, and when she does Kara is prepared for the glare directed her way. Lena’s eyebrow is raised in that perfect arch only she seems capable of.

They stare at each other, a silent stand off to determine the winner of this fight. But they’ve both already lost so much and for once Kara wants them to win. She came here tonight to talk. Not about ill-advised plans or evil brothers, but about _them_.

Eventually Lena caves and with an exaggerated eye-roll she makes her way towards the balcony and opens it for Kara, immediately turning around again and walking back inside her apartment.

Kara enters, takes a few steps inside the apartment, intent on saying everything that’s heavy on her tongue, but Lena is so close and Kara just sees her in such a different light now. She’s speechless. There’s so much she wants to say, wants to explain, but she doesn’t know where to begin.

How do you tell your best friend of almost 4 years, whom you’ve hurt so much, that you’re in love with her? That after all these years you finally understand just how unbelievably, irrevocably in love you are.

Lena sighs, loud and heavy, clearly meant to draw Kara’s attention and when Kara returns to the moment, she finds Lena looking at her again. Eyebrow perfectly arched.

“What do you want, Supergirl?”

It hurts to hear the way Lena says that name, it hurts especially tonight because she is not in her suit. She’s wearing simple blue jeans and a cozy pink sweater, and when she reaches up to nervously fiddle with her glasses, she realizes they’re not there. She’s just Kara tonight, so yes, it hurts to hear Lena ask her again, sharper this time,

“What do you _want_ , Supergirl?”

But maybe because it hurts so much, the answer comes to Kara clear as day. “You.”

She sees the moment that one word registers, watches as Lena’s glare fades and her eyes widen almost imperceptibly. Kara hears her breath hitch, hears her heart skip a beat. She’s not sure what to make of Lena’s reaction, doesn’t know what it means, and she stands motionless, afraid to push Lena away if she says or does the wrong thing.

But when Lena turns away with a shake of her head, Kara springs back into action. She rushes to Lena’s retreating form, gently taking hold of her wrist. “No, Lena, please.”

Lena doesn’t turn back around but she also doesn’t make another move to walk away, doesn’t even yank her hand from Kara’s grip like the touch burns her. Like Kara expected her to. The silence stretches on, neither of them move, neither of them speak and it takes Kara too long to realize that Lena is waiting for her to say something. She’s giving her a chance, or at least something that feels a lot like it.

Kara picks her words carefully. “I’m not letting you walk again. _I’m_ not walking away again. I’m here, Lena, just tell me what you want.”

Lena turns around now, reclaiming her arm, scoffing. “What _I_ want? What I want?” She laughs mirthlessly and Kara watches her gaze return to steel again.

“I wanted my friend, my _best_ friend, to trust me.”

“I do trust you, Lena. I’ve always trusted you.”

“Clearly not enough.”

“It’s never been about trust. You know that. I told you that!” Kara’s tone is harsher than she intended it to be, but they’re dancing in circles around the same stupid misunderstanding and she’s so tired of it. The force behind her voice shuts Lena up though and Kara turns around with a long sigh, running her hand through her hair.

“I can say I’m sorry again. I can say I’m sorry for the rest of my life if that’s what you want. Because I _am_. I’m sorry that I lied, I’m sorry that you had to find out the way you did, I’m sorry I made you feel like a fool and like I didn’t trust you, I’m sorry that you had to kill your own brother only to wake up in a world where he’s alive and you see no other option but to work with him. I’m so, _so_ sorry. But Lena–”

Her breath hitches, and suddenly, fast-forwarded and all the more intense for it, Kara sees the realities in which she _did_ tell Lena. The realities that Mxy showed her tonight. And for all her mistakes in this one, for all her shortcomings, she’s glad that this is the one she’s stuck in. Because she is alive and Lena is alive, and Alex and Winn and J’onn – everyone she loves is alive. For once, she wants to focus on that. Not on the past, not on the maybe’s and the what-if’s, certainly not on the next crisis – she wants to be glad that she’s alive.

“I can’t change the past, Lena. Believe me, I tried and every time I made it worse.”

“What the hell are you talking about?”

Kara’s instinct is to wave it off, to say it’s a long story and leave it at that, but then she remembers why she came here tonight. To talk. And she realizes, with startling clarity, that all of their problems originated in the first place from the fact that Kara didn’t tell Lena everything. That Lena has been kept in the dark about so many things, for so long and even in some of the realities Kara watched unfold, _that_ was what hurt Lena the most. Not necessarily the lying or the timing, but the not knowing. Because when Lena did know, even when she was mad, she always ended up doing the right thing.

And Kara suddenly realizes that Lena Luthor needs to know all the variables in order to _understand_.

“There is a being from the Fifth Dimension called Mr. Mxyzptlk,” and it all sounds crazy even to her own ears, but she tells Lena the story.

The end leaves Lena unraveled, breathing heavily, her lips parted and her eyes wide, watering with unshed tears as Kara watches her try to understand.

“So, you see, we can’t change the past and we can’t create a new magical reality in which everything is fine. This is the reality we’re stuck with and that’s okay. Because this is the one I know, this is the _you_ I know, and this is the one I want to fix.”

“There is nothing left to fix.” Lena’s voice is soft and broken and Kara knows that she’s trying to stay strong, willing herself not to break down. She remembers how long it took for Lena to let her in enough to see the vulnerable side of her and she hates that she’s lost that, but she still recognizes when all Lena needs is shoulder to cry on, a simple hug.

Kara sighs, because all these months she knew Lena was angry and she knew Lena was hurting; she remembers the last time she saw Lena cry with perfect clarity. In the fortress, when she took Myriad, when she revealed she knew all along and she yelled her heartbreak into the open after months of keeping it in. And Kara was so surprised, so taken aback and Lena turned on her so quickly; the vulnerability gone and replaced with an anger Kara had never before seen in Lena’s eyes. Kara didn’t see it then, didn’t recognize it then, so stunned by her own hurt, but maybe all it took was a conversation, an explanation on all the things Lena didn’t understand yet, and maybe all it took was _a simple hug_.

But she can’t change the past.

That’s what she knows now, that’s what she has to accept now. All she can do is move forward and change the future and prove Lena wrong.

“Sure there is, because there’s something I understand now.”

“What do you mean?” Lena looks wary, shoulders tensing again and Kara moves closer on instinct, not wanting Lena to close up again.

“Ask me again what I want.”

“I’m sorry?”

“Ask me what I want.” Kara can’t help her lips turning up in a small smile. She feels almost giddy, although a part of her realizes this may not be the best timing for such emotions, but she has something to say and she’s eager to say it. Her heart rate picks up again and that flutter in her stomach returns.

“I really don’t feel li–”

“Ask me,” Kara cuts her off, takes another step closer, “what I want.” She’s close enough that she can feel Lena’s breath on her skin, and she feels a surge of accomplishment in the fact that Lena hasn’t backed away. Instead she’s staring up at Kara, deviant but breathless, like she knows what’s coming.

Well, Kara thinks, she kind of does, because this is what Kara led with. When she landed on Lena’s balcony, when Lena asked her what it was she wanted the first time. The simple, honest truth of why she’s here, why she’s _still_ , after everything, _here_.

For a long moment they just stare at each other. Kara’s lips still upturned, trying with all her might to convey everything she’s feeling with her eyes, to make Lena understand that everything she’s about to say is real and true. And Lena works her jaw, swallowing hard.

Kara thinks this is the point of no return. She imagines them standing on a precipice, no way back and only miles and miles of unknown beneath them. She thinks of a movie Alex had asked her to watch, in the early days of her coming out, when she was still figuring out who she was and what it all meant and Kara is reminded of a line in that movie.

She doesn’t know what will come after this, she can’t be sure of anything, but she’s ready to jump off that precipice and into the unknown. She’s ready to take the plunge.

“What do you want?” Lena asks then, the edge gone as if she’s right there on that precipice with Kara.

“I want you. Because I’m in love with you, and I think I’ve always been in love with you, I just didn’t… I didn’t understand, I didn’t recognize it. But I saw it tonight. I saw my life flash before my eyes, without the dying part so that’s kinda neat I guess, but I watched every moment I spent with you and I see everything so clearly now. I’m in love with you, Lena. I’ve always been in love with you. I’m sorry it took me so long to catch up.”

“Why are you telling me this?”

“Because I’ve tried everything else and nothing worked. You won’t listen to reason and I couldn’t figure out why, but I think…” Kara cuts herself off to take a deep breath, to prepare herself for what she’s about to say next. “Now I think it’s because you’re in love with me too.” Her voice pitches up at the end, almost phrasing it like a question and she realizes she’s fidgeting her fingers in that nervous tick of hers.

Lena says nothing and Kara can’t stand the silence. So, she hurries to add, “And because it’s the truth. Because after everything, there’s nothing else I can give you but the truth. About me. About who I am and how I feel.”

“You’re a little late.” Lena says, soft. The softest she’s been all night.

“I know.”

“I don’t hate you for being Supergirl. I hate you for not telling me.”

“I know.”

“I hate you for lying to my face, for _years_.”

“I know.”

“I hate–” Lena nearly chokes on a sob. “I never wanted to be your friend, but I let you in and you slipped between the cracks and then one day I woke up and suddenly I couldn’t look at you without losing my breath. And then you broke my heart. I would’ve been fine! I could have handled this if I hadn’t… If _you_ hadn’t… You broke my heart, Kara.”

“I know.”

“And the worst part is,” Lena laughs – that cruel, mirthless thing again and although it’s softer this time, Kara still hates it – looking away as she wipes at her eyes, “the worst part is that everything hurt so much at first and now I can hardly remember why I hated you to begin with.”

“I mean, that’s a good thing, right?” Kara asks, hopefully, stepping even closer, her fingers itching to reach out and just touch Lena.

Lena chuckles, short and clearly unbidden if her own surprise is any indication. Lena still isn’t looking at her, but Kara can see that she’s pulling on the sleeves of her blouse and jacket, as if trying to bury herself in the cloth and away from the pain, so Kara does what she has wanted to do all night. She reaches out and grabs Lena’s hands, stilling them, and her own.

Lena looks down at their joined hands and Kara sees her lips beginning to tremble, so she squeezes reassuringly, because this is where they jump, this is where they take the plunge. Together.

“Not telling you earlier is my biggest regret and I promise you right now that I will do anything to make it up to you, even if it takes me the rest of my life. I want to earn your trust again and I want to earn your forgiveness, because I love you, Lena, and I can only hope that one day you’ll love me back again.”

“You still don’t understand, do you?” Lena mumbles to their hands, but Kara hears it loud and clear. Before she can respond, Lena looks up, steeling herself with a deep breath. But her eyes remain soft – for the first time in months, when Lena looks at Kara, her eyes shine brighter than the stars and Kara can’t see anything but Lena, can’t hear anything but Lena’s breathing, Lena’s heartbeat. “I never stopped.”

Kara has no words, there’s nothing left for her to say and she wouldn’t even know what to say if there was. Her mind goes blank, her heart stops and then picks up at a pace that couldn’t have been healthy had she been human, and for a split second she breaks out into the biggest, most blinding grin before she let’s go of Lena’s hands and she reaches out to cup Lena’s cheeks, pulling her into her, moving toward her and finally, _finally_ , kissing her.

Lena gasps against her lips, then melts against her and Kara tries to pour every emotion she has suppressed for the past three years into the press of her lips against Lena’s. She’s tingling allover, every sense is heightened – she can feel Lena’s cheeks under her fingertips, smell her perfume, taste the remnants of alcohol on her lips, hear her heartbeat pounding in time to her own – and she never knew a kiss could feel this good.

And then the doubt kicks in. Because she just kissed Lena, didn’t even ask, just grabbed her face and _kissed_ her. And sure, Lena might have said that she never stopped loving Kara, but who’s to say she doesn’t actually still hate Kara, even a little bit, and now Kara might just be adding fuel to the fire.

Panicking, she begins to move away, Lena’s name already forming on her lips in an apology. But Lena grabs her sweater in both hands, grunts out a barely audible “no” and pulls Kara back in.

Their lips crash together again in a kiss more frantic than the first and Kara can feel Lena’s grip on her sweater, is pretty sure that her knuckles are turning white with the force of it, as if she’s afraid that when Kara leaves her space she might never come back. But Kara just holds Lena’s cheeks, caresses her thumbs over the soft skin and doesn’t pull back when she starts to feel the tears. Instead she moves one hand from Lena’s cheek to the small of her back and pulls her in closer, her other hand tangling in loose curls, holding the back of her head, to keep Lena exactly where Kara wants her.

They kiss until Lena’s breathless and then she rests her head on Kara’s shoulder and Kara holds her. She doesn’t speak, she doesn’t move, she just holds Lena until her fingers unclench around the material of Kara’s sweater and her hands move to Kara’s back and Lena is wrapped around her, comfortable and at ease, like she belongs there.

And Kara knows this doesn’t fix everything. A hug and a kiss don’t erase the pain they’ve caused each other, but when Lena lifts her head from Kara’s shoulder and actually takes the time to _look_ at her, before smiling softly and moving back in for another kiss, Kara knows they landed safely.

**Author's Note:**

> One of my friends read this before publishing and said:
> 
> **"I love it, I want it to be real and I almost cried."**
> 
> So top that!


End file.
